


Competitive

by patroklassy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Road Trips, University AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2017-02-01
Packaged: 2018-07-26 04:00:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7559287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patroklassy/pseuds/patroklassy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi is a university student unimpressed by many things. Most of them have something to do with the fact that fellow student Erwin Smith obtrusively appears in his life to sweep him off his furious little feet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Competitive Part 1

Someone was in his seat.

Levi was running on a laughable amount of sleep, his last assignment for the semester was due in four hours and twenty-three minutes, he had just two days after that to study for his first exam, and somebody was sitting in his seat.

Or at least, their laptop and textbooks were. The owner of these things was presumably elsewhere in the library, scouring the shelves for that special book that would make everything okay. It was like the Holy Grail; nobody knew if such a book truly existed, but they were desperate enough to search for it anyway.

All the other seats were taken—exam week was about to start, after all. Not that it mattered. This was _his_ seat. Nice view from the window, a comfortable proximity to the heater, far from the floor’s entrance so that he wasn’t disturbed by the traffic of students through the doors.

Levi looked around. Nobody seemed to be immediately attached to the belongings in his spot. A stray chair was sitting nearby, unmatched to a desk. Dragging it over, Levi slid the laptop and textbooks as far across the desk as he could and set up his own right next to them, and sat down.

He got three paragraphs written before somebody behind him said, “Hello?”

Levi turned to look up at the speaker. “Yes?”

“It would seem I’ve acquired a study buddy.”

“Your stuff was in my spot,” Levi said, turning away. But then he turned back again. He knew this person. Tall, blond, always intimidating the lecturers by asking them questions they couldn’t answer. They had a class together. “You’re doing History of Defence and Security Intelligence.”

“And you helped yourself to my Maltesers.”

Levi glanced at the open packet on the desk. He may have had a few. “Sit,” he instructed, “and explain to me what the fuck the lecturers are expecting from this dumbass assignment.”

The other student sat, his long legs struggling to find space under the desk beside Levi’s. In the end, he tucked his left leg under himself on the seat. “Right,” he said. “Which essay topic did you choose?”

“Number Three. Effectiveness of British military intelligence. Marlborough.”

“That makes things easier.” The other student opened his laptop and turned it so the screen faced Levi. The same topic question and chosen commander was typed at the top of what appeared to be a very well-referenced and completed essay. The name ‘Erwin Smith’ glared at him from the top left corner.  

“Figures,” Levi said, reading the title and then the name, and finally the word count. “You know you’re a thousand words over the limit?”

“I haven’t finished yet,” Erwin said. “It needs some editing. If you’re having trouble, I could take a look at what you’ve got so far? If you’d like.”

What Levi had so far was the three paragraphs he’d typed up after seating himself at half of his/Erwin’s desk. Nonetheless, he turned his own laptop screen towards Erwin, Word document open.

Erwin’s brow furrowed while he was reading and he bit his left index finger the entire time. Levi stored that information, though he didn’t see how it would ever be of any use to him.

“This is really good,” Erwin said when he was through, his surprise not quite contained. “ _Really_ good. I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about—” Levi caught the movement of Erwin’s eyes flashing to the top left corner, reading the name there “—Levi. You just wrote this?” 

“I work better under pressure,” Levi replied.

“You don’t say. Going by your introduction, I think you’re going to cover everything they’d expect you to.” Erwin glanced at his watch. “Three hours, eleven minutes to finish. Got coffee?”

“Hate it.”

“Staying until midnight?”

“Yep.”

Erwin nodded. “Let’s do this.”

They both typed furiously, Levi lengthening, Erwin shortening. By ten o’clock the bodies in the library had thinned. There were more than enough seats for either Levi or Erwin to move to their own space, but neither did; Levi out of stubbornness, and maybe something beyond that. He wasn’t sure why Erwin stayed. He also wasn’t sure why he was glad of the fact.

They posted their essays in the dropbox a few minutes before midnight, the due time. Erwin sighed heavily. Levi pressed his forehead to the desk. He wouldn’t have minded just sleeping in the library. Getting back to the halls seemed like an awful lot of effort, even if they were on campus.

“Got a ride home?” Erwin asked him, pushing his chair back and reaching for his laptop to pack away.

Levi revealed the keys he had in his hand, a tag with his hall’s name hanging off of them. “You?”

“I’ve got a car. Guess I’ll see you at the exam on Wednesday.”

“Oh yeah. That. See you, Erwin.”

\--

The exam was bearable. Levi left his studying to the last minute, but he wasn’t worried.

The back of Erwin Smith’s head had been visible to him for the entire three hours, which was distracting. Levi lost a whole three minutes just watching the way he would stretch his shoulders or roll his head in between writing sentences.

And when he stepped out of the exam room, Erwin was waiting for him.

“How’d you go?”

Levi shrugged. “I’m good at bullshitting. You?” He moved to the right a little, out of the way of the students trying to get through the door behind him.

“I’m feeling confident,” Erwin said, moving with him.

“Got many more exams?” Levi asked, because he felt like he should be conversational.

“Three more. This was my first. Two tomorrow. That’s gonna be killer. What about you?”

“Three more,” Levi said, nodding. “One tomorrow, one Thursday, one Friday.”

One minute in and they’d already run out of things to say.

“I like your sweater,” Erwin said. He moved a hand as if he was going to touch it, then put his hand back by his side.

Levi looked down at himself. He was wearing an old knitted sweater he’d thrown on because it was cold and his favourite hoodie was in the wash. “Thanks.”

Okay, now they had r _eally_ run out of things to say.

“Well . . . have a good holiday, Levi. And good luck with the rest of yours exams. Maybe I’ll see you around campus next semester.”

Most people would say that as a question, hopeful. Erwin just said it as a statement. Maybe he would. But maybe not. Levi felt the bluntness of it somewhere in his gut, and he wished he’d said more to Erwin’s compliment than just “Thanks.”

“Yeah. Alright. See you, Erwin.”

He turned and strode away before he would have to suffer watching Erwin do the same to him.

\--

When exams were over and most of the students fled the university halls to go visit family, Levi was one of the few that stayed behind. He had an uncle, Kenny, somewhere, but staying put was more appealing than trying to track him down. And Levi liked his room.

He had heard that one of the students on his floor was moving out permanently, and that somebody else was taking over their room. But the mid-year break had just started, so Levi guessed he wouldn’t be meeting this newcomer until Semester Two. Not that he wanted to. He got on fine with his floor-mates when he had to, and talked to a few of them on the regular, but he wasn’t in the business of making new friends he didn’t need.

One of the few he talked to was Mike, who Levi found hot-boxing the common room on the first night. Grimacing at the smell, he stuck his head in and said, “You’ve clearly mastered the art of discretion. You know RAs are still here, right?”

Mike slowly turned his head up to Levi from his spot on the couch. “You think I should have invited them? That would have been the hospital—hospice—horse-piss—” Mike broke off into a long peal of laughter.

“Hospitable?”

“Yeah! Thing to do.” 

Levi shook his head and shut the door, leaving Mike to it.

The next night, Hanji nearly ran him down as he was exiting the bathroom. It was immediately apparent why: she was trying to roller-blade to her room. But aside from that incident, the three of them were ghosts roaming their deathly quiet floor.  

However, the quietness was disrupted a few mornings later when Levi woke to the sound of a lot of shuffling and banging coming from the room next to his. Considering the room was supposed to be empty, he didn’t appreciate it causing a disturbance.

He kicked the wall.

The commotion stopped for a moment.

Then it started again. Levi turned his screamo music up as loud as it would go and put his ear-plugs in.

\--

Stubbornness dictated a lot of Levi’s choices in life. It was stubbornness that stopped him from going next-door and finding out who was making such a racket. To do so would be to let that person feel acknowledged, and they didn’t deserve that. Not after all the noise they’d made.

By evening the noise had quietened, but there was clearly somebody still moving about in the room next to Levi’s.

Later that night, Levi would have been woken by his neighbour apparently dropping something rather weighty, were it not for the fact that at 3am he was still awake—stubbornly still awake, perhaps, because he could still hear his new neighbour and refused to sleep before they did. Not that he would usually get much sleep anyway.

\--

Levi was showering. It was Saturday morning and the light through the high window promised it would be a sunny day.

The shower next to his started up.

Hanji only showered on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Mike neve rose before midday on a Saturday. The rest of the floor was deserted.

So his new unidentified neighbour was showering next to him. Naked. Great.

Levi always made a point of having quick showers. Today, he endeavoured to halve his time again.

But he wasn’t fast enough to escape the quiet knock against the wall and a voice saying, “Uh—excuse me? Sorry to bother you at a time like this. But it seems my shampoo has run out. Any chance I could borrow yours?”

Levi closed his eyes and leant his head against the wall. The voice sounded vaguely familiar, but he was too annoyed to put any real thought into it. Without replying, he dropped his shampoo bottle on the floor of his shower cubicle and used his foot to kick it under the wall into the next one.

“Thank you!”

Levi got dressed and left the bathrooms without waiting for it be returned. He would buy a new one later.

\--

“Have you met the new person?” Levi asked Mike.

“Who?”

“The new person. My new neighbour. I haven’t seen them yet.”

“That’s because you don’t leave your room during the day.”

“So you have met them?”

A slow smile spread on Mike’s face. “Oh. I think they might be blond. I thought it was just you. Thought you’d died your hair. Grown taller. Bulked up.”

“Are you stoned already? It’s eleven a.m. on a Sunday.”

Mike shook his head, horrified. “Sunday. The Lord’s day. I would never get stoned on the Lord’s day.” He held up a bottle of vodka. “I got drunk instead. Shots?”

Levi regarded him a moment. He frowned and asked, “Mike, seriously, are you okay?”

Mike put the bottle down and waved his hands. “I know what you’re thinking. What’s old Mikey trying to hide? _Nothing._ I enjoy the sensational sensing sensation of being stoned and/or drunk. I have everything under control, Major Tom.”

Levi gave him a dubious look, but he felt in his gut that Mike was being truthful. The guy just liked being spaced out.

\--

He forgot to buy shampoo.

He went into the bathrooms that afternoon wondering if soap would be a terrible idea.

He needn’t have worried.

His shampoo bottle was sitting by one of the sinks. The words “Thank you” were scrawled across it in black white-board marker.

\--

The next night, the fire alarm blared.

Scrambling from his bed, Levi pulled on shoes and a jacket and barged out of his room, emerging into the empty hall with his hands over his ears. He couldn’t see any immediate danger—no smoke, no flames.

The door of the room next to his opened too and somebody else stumbled into the hall.

Levi turned to them. “What the fuck?”

Erwin Smith, dressed in nothing but socks, boxers and a knitted sweater he was still struggling to pull down, looked back at him. “Hey, Levi.”

“What the fuck?” Levi said again.

“Are you okay? We should get going.” Erwin paused, doing a double-take at Levi’s appearance. “Oh, do you need to—?”

Levi looked down at himself. The jacket he had grabbed was a long one; long enough to cover his own boxer shorts completely. “I’m wearing bottoms,” he snapped. “Stop staring. Let’s go.”

He had half a thought that Mike might have set the fire alarms off with his weed-smoking. It wouldn’t have been the first time. But Mike met them at the fire exit and he was clearly freshly woken, unimpressed with such loud noises at such a horrific hour of the morning. Hanji was right behind them, wearing a lab-coat over her pyjamas.

Once outside, they stood huddled in a small group, shivering. The halls were still emptying, a measly number of students making their way down the zig-zagging emergency stairs. Not many had stayed for the break.

“What the fuck?” Levi said again, glaring at Erwin. “You’ve been living next-door to me for five days and you didn’t bother to tell me?”

“In my defence,” Erwin replied, “I never saw you. I like your shampoo, though. Fruity.”

“Did you know I was there when you moved in?”

Erwin shook his head. “Hanji told me you were _a_ Levi. I didn’t know you were _you_ Levi.” He smiled. “I’m pleased you are.” 

Levi rounded on Hanji. “You met him and didn’t think it would be worth telling me?”

Hanji held her hands up, innocent. “What’s the big deal? I didn’t know you knew each other!”

“The big deal is that—” Levi didn’t really know what the big deal was.

The big deal was that Erwin Smith had been living a single wall away from him for five days and he hadn’t known about it.

\--

“Is this going to become a regular thing?” Levi asked, watching as Erwin sat himself down on the opposite side of Levi’s dining table for the second night in a row.

With so many students gone for the break, the refectory was a barren and unnaturally quiet place.

“Is that a problem?” Erwin asked. “Would you prefer it if we sat on opposite sides of an empty room?”

“It’s not empty,” Levi said. “That guys here.” He pointed his fork at the only other diner, a guy stirring his hot chips into his mince.

Erwin grimaced. “Exam results are in,” he said, changing the subject. “How did History of Defence go?”

“A,” Levi said. “You?”

“A-plus.”

“Over-achiever.”

Erwin smiled. Levi felt a little winded by it.

He was pretty sure another week with this guy before classes started up again was going to be hazardous to his health: either because Erwin would stress him out so much he’d have a stroke, or Erwin would smile one day when Levi wasn’t expecting it and his heart would simply cease to beat.  

\--

Levi hated O-Week. In fact, there was only one thing in the entire world he hated more than O-Week.

And that was Re-O-Week.

Because who wanted to live through hell, and then find slightly different ways to live through it again?

He hated it because the RAs tried to get everybody on the floor involved in team-building exercises and participating in things like the sports day, the toga party, the clubs day.

The RA for Levi’s floor was an asshole called Shadis. His first name was Keith, but nobody ever called him that. Unless they were being disdainful.

“ _Keith_ caught me trying to sneak a beer keg up here. Confiscated the lot. The bastard.”

Levi really, really hated Re-O-Week.

“Trust!” Shadis cried. He paced in front of the bizarre assortment of people that comprised Floor Four. “Trust is the foundation of a good team. And God knows we need a good team. We can’t afford to lose another event. Floor Four has lost too much already.”

Levi had survived his week of living in close proximity to Erwin. Just. Now he had to deal with Shadis talking as if there was some kind of dire consequence for their losses. There was, really. The dire consequence was that they would have to listen to this speech from Shadis again at the _next_ event.

\--

Sports Day involved the wearing of floor-t-shirts and copious amounts of sunscreen. And face-paint.

Levi had the potential to be good at team-sports, except he was better than all his teammates so why bother with them?

Their first match was football. Mike, Hanji and Erwin were all there, as well as a young woman called Nanaba, and the other seven Floor-Four students that Levi neither talked to nor knew the names of.

Shadis tried to give them a motivational speech before the game began. It was terrible.

Erwin was wearing shorts. He had nice thighs. As in, _nice_ thighs.

Levi told himself he didn’t care about Erwin’s nice thighs.

The match itself was not an entirely graceful affair for Levi. His movements were graceful; his behaviour was not.

Erwin had the ball, and he was doing a splendid job of moving it along the field, drawing closer and closer to the goal. Without thinking—his competitive side had a mind of its own—Levi rushed in close and used some tricky footwork to take the ball off Erwin, moving away with it.

“Hey! Levi, what—!”

He got a dozen feet before Erwin was at his side again, using his own tricky footwork to take the ball back into his possession.

“You’re on the same team!” Hanji shouted from somewhere farther back along the field.

Levi ignored her. Erwin was closer to the goal again so Levi came in at an angle, tussled with him a moment, and then shot ahead, ball moving with him.

He was in a good position to shoot for the goal now; Erwin appeared again at his side; he and Erwin both swung their legs back at the same time; their feet came together in a collision that sent pain shooting up Levi’s ankle.

But at least the ball went into the goal.  

\--

Levi glared at Erwin from across the other side of the first-aid gazebo.

His ankle and foot had an ice-pack sitting on it. So did Erwin’s. Erwin gazed back at him with an amused look on his face.

“Stop looking smug,” Levi snapped.

“I’m not smug. I got busted up too.”

“Then stop looking pleased.”

“I’m pleased you’re as combustible as I thought you were.”

“What the fuck does that even . . .” Levi trailed off. He didn’t care what it meant. Though he suspected it meant something like _You’re explosive._

“Is it bad?” Erwin asked, nodding at Levi’s ankle. He actually looked concerned.

“No, it’s not _bad_ ,” Levi said, and lurched to his feet to prove his point. He paused a moment to glower at Erwin, and then strode out of the gazebo. His foot felt like it was on fire and it was taking all his self-control not to limp, but he pushed through the pain. Anything to save face in front of that blond-haired blue-eyed nice-thighed _asshole._

\--

He hated that he had let Hanji talk him into going. He hated that he was now standing with a white bedsheet wrapped around himself at a stranger’s filthy flat, trying not to gag at the overwhelming smell of beer and weed.

Somebody yelled, “Keg stand!” and a portion of the room drained outside in anticipation. Levi followed. At least there would be fresh air outside.

\--

Mike was upside down. Mike had decided a G-string would be the ideal single thing to wear underneath his toga. Mike was facing away from Levi.

Levi had a horrifically clear view of Mike’s bare ass.

He should have known it would be Mike doing the keg stand. And of course Mike would show up to a toga party as naked as possible. The guy was always tugging his shirt off at the first opportunity, even when it was bitterly cold out. One time he had taken it off when there was three inches of snow on the ground, claiming that he was “going to catch a few rays.”

Levi watched Mike chug the beer down until he was 90% sure the sight was going to make him hurl, and then he retreated back inside.

\--

“Levi!”

Oh.

“Levi, hey.” Erwin appeared at his side. He was dressed in a bedsheet that showed off his arms and chest far too well. In his hair he wore a plastic wreath spray-painted gold. It was a cheap thing but it looked oddly charming on him.

 _Oh_ , Levi thought again, with more aggression this time.

“They’re starting up a beer-pong tournament,” Erwin said. “Wanna join?”

“What, on your team?”

“You’re as competitive as I am. Provided you don’t start throwing the ball into my cups instead of the other team’s, we might even work well together.  What do you say?”

Erwin was smiling. Levi knew what he was thinking of: Levi taking the ball off him during the football game. “Competitive” was an understatement.  

Unfortunately, Levi was a master at beer-pong. And he couldn’t bring himself to resist the opportunity to show that off to Erwin.

He was, after all, very competitive.

\--

He didn’t know who their opponents were. He didn’t care. Erwin was standing to his right, like his second-in-command. Except this was beer-pong, so he hardly needed one.

His first toss landed in a cup. He switched places with Erwin.

Erwin’s first toss landed in a cup, too.

Both their opponents drank, threw, missed.

Levi’s second throw landed in a cup. So did Erwin’s.

It didn’t take long for Levi to forget that he was playing against another team. In his head he was just playing against Erwin, making sure all his own shots landed and watching carefully, analytically, to see if Erwin’s did too.

He felt no tension between himself and the other team.

He felt a great deal of tension between himself and Erwin.

In the end, it only took four rounds for them to win: Erwin missed on his third throw, but Levi took out the final cup on his fourth.

“Again?” Erwin asked.

“Fine,” Levi said, “but no more of that shitty beer.” He had only had to drink one cup during the match, but it was hard to choke down. He pulled up a bottle of Captain Morgan’s Spiced Gold rum and a bottle of coke. “Let’s fucking do this.”

\--

He was drunk. It took him about thirty minutes to accept that fact. He was drunk, and he couldn’t deny it.

Erwin was also drunk.

Not because of beer-pong. They’d played another two matches—won both—almost broken the table when they both pounded it in celebration—and only had to drink another two cups each. People had dubbed them the Pong Kings. It wasn’t a very endearing name.

They were drunk because after their third match, Erwin asked Levi if he wanted to go outside and Levi agreed.

And then they sat in a quiet corner—possibly the only quiet corner—and drank Levi’s rum and coke while they bitched about Re-O-Week. They didn’t do anything else. They didn’t even kiss.

Although, Levi decided, he did very much want to kiss Erwin.

Shit.

“How’s your foot?” Erwin asked.

It had been three days since the football game, and Levi’s foot and ankle were still a little tender. He was drunk, so he said as much to Erwin. “What about yours?”

“Incredibly painful. That was a solid kick you gave me.”

Levi saw Erwin’s gaze go to his thighs, which his bedsheet was no longer doing a very good job of covering up. He was wearing his sport shorts underneath, so that was fine. But he shook his head.  “No no no. _You’re_ the one with the beautiful thighs.”

Erwin’s gaze flicked back up to Levi’s face. He frowned. “Beautiful thighs?”

Levi couldn’t worry about the coveted information he had just let slip, because something else was stealing his attention: Erwin’s lips, frowning, and now turning upwards again in a smile.  

Attractive features alone weren’t enough to warrant Levi wanting to kiss someone. But Erwin was an intelligent, over-achieving, forthright, capable, athletic, sweater-wearing dork. With nice thighs.

And Levi _really_ wanted to kiss him.

But that was probably the drunkenness at play. Levi was good at self-control, even when he was inebriated. So he resisted grabbing Erwin by that goddamn bedsheet and kissing him right then and there in their quiet little corner, and instead decided to wait until he was sober, and then see if all this kissing business still seemed as appealing.

And he tried not to feel disappointed that Erwin hadn’t tried to kiss _him._

\--

The next morning, Levi was sober.

The next morning, Levi still wanted to kiss Erwin.

Shit.

Also, Erwin was asleep in Levi’s bed.

Double-shit.

“Hey.” Levi shook his shoulder. “ _Hey._ Wake up, you goliath sack of—”

“Whuh?” Erwin opened his eyes groggily. He managed to push himself up onto one elbow, and then collapsed back down again, making the bed shudder.

If it was any other person, Levi would have been swearing at them and forcibly removing them from his bed by now.

But this was Erwin.

So instead he said, “I’m going to go down to the refectory and get some breakfast. I’ll steal some extra fruit to bring back up to you.”

Erwin mumbled something that might have been a thank you, shifting a little to hug his pillow tighter. It made the muscles of his shoulders move in a fascinating way.

Levi forced himself to leave the room.

\--

“He’s in your bed?” Hanji repeated to him. She blinked a few times.

Levi took a step forward, following the movement of the line in the refectory. “Yes.”

“So, did you guys . . .?”

“God, no. You know I wouldn’t.” He paused. “Oh. I hope _he_ doesn’t think we did.”

“How drunk was he?” Hanji asked.

“About the same as me, I think. We had the same amount.”

The line shifted. Hanji shrugged. “Then I’m sure he knows he didn’t get any action last night. Oh! Look, they’ve still got bananas left.” She reached for one, then picked up two, turning to Levi. “Want one?”

“Yeah. And two apples. And an orange.”

“You got a fruit bat in your bed too? Somebody’s feeling healthy today,” Hanji said, passing the fruit back to Levi.

“I promised Erwin I’d bring him some. And I don’t think I could stomach cornflakes this morning.”

Hanji’s eyebrows rose. “What’s this? Levi ‘Fuck the World’ Ackerman waiting on another man? Has the world finally spiralled into an abyss of chaos?”

“Shut up, Hanji. I’m just being nice.”

“Aha! More evidence! Maybe I should change the topic of my research. ‘The Effects of Levi’s Passion for Erwin Smith on Earth’s Magnetic Fields.’ If we start getting blasted by solar wind, we’ll know why.”

“I don’t have a . . . I don’t have a _passion_ ,” Levi argued. 

“Well, you’ve certainly got something,” Hanji replied, scooping cornflakes into her bowl. “Don’t quote me on this, but I think it might be called _feelings._ ”

\--

Levi stomped back up the stairs. He stomped down the hallway. He glared at Hanji’s door as he passed it, even though she was still downstairs in the refectory.

When he passed the vending machine, he stopped, punched in a number, dropped in a few coins, and reached for the little packet that dropped down. 

In his bedroom, Erwin was asleep. His mouth was hanging open and he was snoring gently. His arms were still tightly hugging one of Levi’s pillows.

Levi shut his bedroom door quietly and wondered what he should do. He didn’t really want to wake Erwin again. Now that the shock of finding him in his bed had passed, he was quite happy to leave him there.

He would go shower. Maybe, by the time he got back, Erwin would be awake.

\--

Erwin was not awake.

Levi was a little disappointed, because he had purposefully stepped back into his bedroom wearing just his jeans, shirtless.

But the sound of him sitting down at his desk was enough to rouse the sleeping beauty, and Erwin lifted his head to look up at Levi, smiling. “You look cute post-shower.”

“Your hair’s messy,” Levi replied. “But not in a gross way.” Admittedly, he was not a world-class flirter. Nobody would call him Flirt King at a party.

Erwin sat up, leaning on one hand, and the blanket fell off him. He had opted to wear Skins beneath his bedsheet-toga; Levi recalled Mike’s G-string and silently praised Erwin for his better taste.

“Fruit?” he said, holding out an orange.

Erwin took it but then said, “Why don’t we go get coffee instead?”

“Only if you shower first. You smell like frat boy. Oh, and here. For eating some of yours once.” He dug into his pocket and pulled out a small packet of Maltesers, passing them to Erwin.

Erwin’s smile was like a goddamn sunrise.

\--

The hangover was hitting Levi hard. He wore sunglasses to the coffee shop even though it was overcast outside, and he wore his largest hoodie because he needed to feel baggy. And Erwin had seen him drunk, wrapped in a bedsheet and talking about how beautiful he thought his thighs were, so Levi was in no position to give a shit how he looked now.

“Levi, about last night,” Erwin said. He sipped his coffee, paused a moment to run his thumb around the rim of the cup. “I just wanted to check . . . We were both quite drunk, and so I just wanted to check—you know nothing happened, right? I just slept in your bed because it had been cold out and because, well, it seemed like a nice idea, and it _was_ nice . . .” He shook his head. “Anyway, you know that’s all that happened, don’t you?”  

“Yes,” Levi said, “I know we didn’t fuck. You were still wearing your Skins this morning. There’s no way somebody could drunkenly get those things off and back on again.”

Erwin gave a little laugh. “Good observation. Getting out of them hungover was enough of a struggle.”

Levi eyed Erwin over the brim of his teacup. “So you thought it was nice? Sleeping in my bed?”

He got the sense Erwin didn’t embarrass easily. Erwin blushed now, but it was slight. “I did. I wanted to kiss you last night.”

“Oh? Why didn’t you? Too scared? Figures.” Levi remembered feeling disappointed the night before that Erwin hadn’t tried to kiss him. Sober, he was glad of it. Sloppy, drunken kisses were terrible. He would have hated himself if he had let drunkenness ruin his first kiss with Erwin.  

Erwin, it seemed, had felt the same. “Actually, I wanted to wait until we were sober. To make sure you wanted to kiss me back.” He was smiling in a very small, very humble way.

A vital part of Levi’s efforts to maintain his fierce aura was pretending he wasn’t half as sappy as he really was. He had found that it was far more difficult to maintain that aura around Erwin. Right now, he was pretty sure Erwin’s smile was literally causing his heart to melt. Or maybe to grow three sizes, like the Grinch’s.

“Let’s say I did,” he said. He was about ready to discard the aura entirely. What was Erwin doing to him? “What then?”

“Then we would wait for the right place and the right time.”

\--

The right place and the right time turned out to be four days later, at eleven-thirty-three on a Tuesday night, in Levi’s bed. They were watching a film. Levi’s laptop was sitting on the dresser, which they had pulled up next to the bed, and Erwin was spooning Levi under the covers.

“Levi?” Erwin whispered.

“Mm?” Levi rolled over to face him. 

His hair fell into his eyes, and Erwin gently brushed it back.

“You’re double-majoring in History and Defence Studies—why?”

It seemed an odd time to bring it up, but Levi had learned quickly that Erwin always had his reasons. “Because . . . I want to know all the things people have fought for. The good and the bad things. And I want to understand how they fought for them. I don’t know. Why are you asking?”

Erwin’s eyes seemed to search Levi’s for a moment, his gaze too intense, illuminated by the laptop screen behind Levi’s head.

He seemed to be considering something.

Then he leant in and kissed Levi. It was gentle first. Then it was fierce.

Levi’s heart thundered. He felt a little bit breathless. So that was what it felt like to kiss Erwin Smith. The best word he could think of to describe it was . . . _cosy._

It was entirely overwhelming and in an attempt to hide how flustered he was by Erwin’s kiss, Levi said, “Don’t tell me Defence Studies turns you on.”

Erwin laughed, a quiet sound. “No. I just really wanted to kiss you. And I think we have similar interests. It made me happy.”

“Wanna do something to make me happy now?”

“Anything.”

“Be my boyfriend?”

Erwin kissed Levi again. Then he pressed his forehead to his. The movie still blared in the background, forgotten. “Of course, Levi.”


	2. Competitive Part 2: The Road-Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Half a year passes, Erwin and Levi deem their relationship stable enough to celebrate another semester finished by risking a road-trip with their friends.

~ Five Weeks Before Summer Break ~

Hanji sat on the floor between Mike’s legs while he braided her hair. “Did Hanji tell you she met a guy?” Mike asked, winking at Erwin and Levi.

Erwin wrapped his arms around his knees and leaned forward, intrigued. “A guy? What’s his name?”

“Nothing,” Hanji said. “Moblit. Moblit Nothing.”

“Moblit Nothing?”

“ _Fine_ , you got me. His name is Moblit Berner and he’s studying biology too and he’s a puppy dog incarnate. Except also hot and smart. And beautiful and amazing. And the man of my dreams.”

“He looks like me except weenier,” Mike said.        

Hanji elbowed him in the knee. “He looks _nothing_ like you. He’s attractive.”

“Ouch.”

“I think you’re very handsome, Mike,” Erwin said helpfully.

“Thanks, babe.”

Levi threw a grape in the air and caught it in his mouth. “This better not be your way of telling us you’re dropping out of our summer plans,” he said to Hanji. “And Mike, stop flirting with my guy.”

Hanji raised an eyebrow. “Well . . . I was actually kind of hoping it would be cool if I asked Moblit to join us?”

            ~ Summer Break ~

Of course they had to go on a road-trip during the summer break. Mike had a sad old van, and Moblit, now a certified member of the group, was earning his keep by donating a big canvas tent to the cause.

“Okay, road-trip rules,” Mike said, raising his voice so everyone could hear.

They were twenty minutes into their four-hour drive. Mike was the designated driver because he didn’t trust anyone else to look after the rust-bucket he called his “baby,” and Erwin was navigator because he was great at it. That left Hanji, Moblit and Levi to cram together into the middle passenger seats.

The first twenty minutes of their trip had comprised of a lengthy rant from Levi about how “relaxing” after another semester of “stress fuckery” was not supposed to involve having Hanji’s greasy hair caress his neck every time they took a corner.

“Hanji, would you kindly get out the educational slide-show?”

Hanji produced a selfie-stick and attached her phone to it, extending it out so it sat just below the rear-view mirror where everyone could see it. A slide-show began to play.

“Road-Trip Rule Number One,” Mike said, and a picture of Moblit’s tent came up on Hanji’s phone. “No banging in the communal living area. You got a hankering for getting down and dizzy with your number one, you can go find some toilets or a nice bush. The tent is sex-free. Got it? Put your hands over your hearts and swear to me.”

“I swear I will not bang in the communal living area,” everyone intoned. It sounded incredibly sarcastic, but an oath was an oath.

“Good,” Mike said. “Road-Trip Rule Number Two.”

A photo of Erwin looking far too proud beside a barbecue, spatula in hand, slid onto the screen. The barbecue was on fire.

“Erwin is not allowed to cook. You see that man with meat in his hands, you snatch it right out. Unless it’s Levi’s, amiright?”

Mike put his hand out for a high-five. Levi punched it.

Erwin frowned. “But I’m a great cook.”

Levi leaned forward to give him a gentle pat on the hand. “Sweetie . . . no.”

“Road-Trip Rule Number Three,” Mike said.

Erwin and his flaming barbecue was replaced by a passed-out Hanji hugging a bottle of vodka with a sipper-bottle lid cello-taped to the top of it.

“Don’t let Hanji drink vodka. Anything else is fine. But we don’t want a repeat of the Great Lawn-Mower Incident of 2k15.”

“Great Lawn-Mower Incident?” Moblit whispered to Hanji.

“I drove a ride-on lawn-mower onto a frozen lake and tried to mow the ice,” Hanji whispered back. “Then I fell through and was technically dead for a minute or so.” She waved a hand dismissively. “Mike’s making it sound worse than it was.”

“Road-Trip Rule Number Four,” Mike continued.

The next slide was a photo of Levi and Erwin in bed. Levi was sitting up, a broken bottle raised threateningly in his hand. He looked ready to murder. Erwin looked . . . turned on. The image was a little blurry, as if the photographer had been trying to flee the scene.

“Don’t wake the beast,” Mike said. “Moblit, this is mostly a warning for you, but I think we can all benefit from a reminder. Levi does not sleep well. Levi does not take well to being prematurely woken. If he’s asleep, and you need him for something, send Erwin in. He’s the only one that can suffer Levi’s wrath unscathed.”

“What did he do with that broken bottle?” Moblit asked, leaning in close to Hanji so Levi wouldn’t hear him.

But Levi heard him anyway. “I tried to shank Mike. And stabbed a pillow.”

Moblit shuddered.

“Last rule,” Mike announced. “Road-Trip Rule Number Five, _do not let me eat spicy food._ I agree with it, but it doesn’t agree with me. I’m not afraid to admit that I have a problem. If you don’t stop me, I’ll chug chili for breakfast.”

The accompanying photo slid onto the screen. It was Mike sitting on a toilet, tears streaming down his cheeks, his jeans down around his ankles. Levi was in the frame, a scented candle clutched in one hand and a bottle of Febreze in the other. He was clearly screaming something at Mike. Hanji had edited the words “Lest We Forget” in fancy script along the top of the image.

“The Great and Terrible Shituation of 2k16,” Mike said solemnly. “My darkest day.” 

“All the Febreze in the world couldn’t save that bathroom,” Levi said quietly.

“And finally,” Hanji said, letting the slideshow flick over to the last slide, “our Super Imperative Road-Trip Objective.”

The photo was of Erwin and Levi kissing, but Hanji had photo-shopped a massive joint over the top of Levi’s entire body.

“Operation: Get Erwin High Before We Go Home. Geb-wih-gih-hih, for short.”

It was going to be a fun road-trip.

~

“I got one!” Mike cried, heaving back on his fishing rod. “This sucker must be huge!” He reeled furiously, scouring the shore to see what he was pulling in.

A very disgruntled-looking Levi surfaced. He glared at Mike and then floated onto his back, tugging at the fishing line connected by a hook to his board-shorts.

“You caught _me_ , idiot. Why the fuck are you fishing where we’re swimming?” His gaze dropped for a moment. “And why the fuck are you fishing in speedos?”

Mike looked down at himself. “What’s wrong with my speedos? They were a birthday gift from Erwin.”

Erwin, lounging on a beach recliner with his sunnies on, gave Mike the thumbs up and said, “Looking good, babe.”

~

Three days into their road-trip, they all split up.

Erwin and Levi said they were going to do some of the local bushwalks.

Hanji and Moblit said they were going to check out the aquarium.

Mike was making a bee-line for the campground’s spa.

They would meet back at the tent at five to sort out dinner.

At five, when they had all gathered, Mike unzipped the door of the tent and said, “I smell sex.”

Levi pulled a face. “Your nose grosses me the fuck out.” 

Hanji was visibly blushing. “Sex? You’re crazy, Mike. We all know the rules. ‘No banging in the communal living area.’ Moblit and I were at the museum all day.”

Mike paced a few steps, and then suddenly swung back and leaned in close to Hanji, sniffing her hair. “I smell guilt. You seem defensive, Hanji. None of us had even suggested that you were the culprit, and yet you’re already trying to give us an alibi. The museum, huh? But weren’t you two going to the aquarium?”

“We went to both,” Moblit said. His shirt was tucked into his underwear.

Mike moved to Moblit, sniffing him all over. “You know what I smell?” he said.

Moblit looked terrified. “Wh—what?”

Mike put his lips close to Moblit’s ear and whispered, “ _Blueberry. Flavoured. Lube._ Do you confess?”

Moblit shook his head, biting his lip. “No. I swear it wasn’t us.”

Mike looked to Levi and nodded his head towards the van. “Levi, fetch the fold-out camp chairs. You’re going to tie these two up and torture them until we get our confession.”

But Erwin spoke up before he could do so. “That won’t be necessary,” he said, putting his hand out to stop Levi. “It . . .”

“Erwin, what are you doing—?”

Erwin hung his head. “It was us. The jig is up, Levi. I can’t let Hanji and Moblit take the fall for us.” He looked Mike in the eye and said, “Mike, I’m so sorry. We broke the first Rule of Road-Trip. Levi and I banged in the communal living area today.”

“I _told_ you it wasn’t us,” Moblit said.

“Yeah,” Hanji added, “we haven’t banged in the communal living area since Wednesday. We used the van today.”  

Mike didn’t say anything. He gave each of them a sad look. Then he turned and walked to the boot of the van, pulled out a camp chair, unfolded it, sat down, and put his head in his hands. 

~

Her glasses were fogged up and she had forgotten to bring clean underwear to the bathroom with her, so Hanji wrapped her towel around herself, tucked her glasses onto it, and stumbled bare-foot out into the dark, headed towards the van.

Reaching it, she slid the side-door open and started rummaging, trying to find her bag. Moblit came up beside her, so Hanji leaned over and gave him a kiss on the lips. 

“Oh, uh, Hanji—”

“I’m naked under this towel, you know,” she said, interrupting him, still searching in the darkness for her bag. “I’m trying to find my underwear, but maybe I won’t bother just yet.” She swung her hip a little so it knocked into him. “Moblit? What do you say?”

Moblit reached over her into the van and flicked on the inner light—and it illuminated a face that wasn’t Moblit’s. It was blurry, but it was undeniably . . .

“ _Fuck_ , Erwin! Why didn’t you say anything?”         

“I tried to—”

“Oh my God, does this count as cheating? Did I just cheat on my fucking boyfriend?”

Erwin looked shocked, his skin pale and cheeks red. “Did I just fucking cheat on _my_ boyfriend?”

“Who the fuck’s cheating on who?” Levi asked, appearing next to them. “Why the fuck are you naked, Hanji?”

Then Moblit appeared. He looked between Hanji and Erwin. “Erwin, what’s up with you? You look ill.”

Erwin closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “It was dark, and as you can see, Hanji is not wearing her glasses,” he explained. “She thought I was you. So she kissed me. Accidentally.”

“Snitch,” Hanji hissed at him.

Levi rolled his eyes and grabbed Moblit, pulling him down to kiss him. But he hesitated and shoved Moblit away again before their lips met. “Okay, I can’t do it. But pretend we’re even!”

Mike, who had been lying unnoticed on the roof of his van, rolled over and hung his head down to say, “Now who gets to kiss me?”

~

They were all asleep, napping in the afternoon sun after a long day of driving, so Erwin decided he would do something thoughtful: cook dinner for them and have it ready for when they woke up.

He raided the chilly bins and then the fridge, pulling together everything he needed for what he had begun to refer to in his head as the Last Supper—that was how glorious this meal was going to be.

Don’t let Erwin cook? _Pfft._ He was a great cook. He had cooked for Levi for their first date, and they were _pretty_ sure their food poisoning the next day had been the result of the refectory’s lunch menu. And he had only set fire to the barbecue _once._ Maybe twice. Or half a dozen times, but who was counting?

Mike had finally caught some fish at another lake, so Erwin busted out the lemon and cracked pepper. This was going to be amazing.

~

Sirens wailed. The smoke engulfed the entire kitchen and billowed out towards the playground. Two of the windows had shattered and flames still licked at the brick walls.

Erwin stood at the campground’s emergency gathering point. Other campers were spread around in a ragged circle. All his friends were standing in a line with their arms crossed, glaring at him. Except Mike—Mike was holding his nose against the acrid stench.

“But are they really sure no one else was in there?” Erwin asked, stretching up to look past Mike back towards the burning kitchen. Two fire-trucks were parked outside, hosing it down.

Levi sighed. “Yes, Erwin, they’re sure. You’ve already tried to run back in and check three times. You were the only one in the kitchen.”

“You forced us all to break the second Rule of Road-Trip,” Mike said quietly. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

Erwin hunched his shoulders up and gave them all a sheepish smile. “My bad?”

~

“Bathroom stop?” Erwin said.

Mike’s knuckles tensed on the steering wheel. “Erwin, we just made a bathroom stop for Hanji less than an hour ago.”

“Do I look like Hanji to you?”

“But you got out to pee when she did! I saw you!”

Levi pulled a disgusted face. “You watched him pee?”

“No, I— For fuck sake, you know what I mean. We’re not stopping,” Mike said.

Erwin started jiggling in his seat. “Then give me a bottle or something. Or slow down so I can pee out the window without my stuff getting blasted by the wind.”

Levi unclipped himself, clambered over Hanji’s legs, and squeezed himself onto the console between Erwin and Mike so he could look Erwin in the eye and say, “Just now, for a moment, my entire life flashed before my eyes, and I was ready to leave you.” He turned to Mike. “Mike, I will personally punish Erwin later tonight for having a weak-ass bladder, but for the love of God, stop at the next fucking restroom. I cannot continue to date a man who seriously contemplates pissing out of windows.”

~

“Bappy Hirthday!” Hanji cried, and spilled her wine as she clinked her glass aggressively against everyone else’s.

They were all very drunk. They couldn’t remember whose birthday it was. Was it anybody’s birthday? Possibly not.

“Hanji babe, I think you’ve had enough,” Moblit said, reaching to take her glass from her. “You’re going to end up hurling in the tent.”

Hanji gave the most dramatic sigh she could muster and relinquished her glass. “Levi’ll kill me if I puke in his sleeping bag again,” she admitted. She gagged a little. “I’m going to get some dihydrogen monoxide.”

 By the time Hanji got back to the tent, “Africa” by Toto had come on shuffle and the four guys were all loudly singing along to it. Levi and Erwin were on their knees, crying, clutching at each other’s shirts: “ _It’s gonna take a lot to drag me awaaaaay from youuu!_ ”

Hanji shrugged, tossed back her glass of water, and joined in.

~

They found her in a ditch with a goat tied to her ankle by a rope.

Levi picked up a stick and poked her with it. “Hanji? You alive?”

“ _Mmmnrrr._ ” She pushed herself onto her hands, and Moblit helped her up to her feet.

Levi gave the goat a gentle prod next. “What’s with the goat?”

Hanji stared at the goat for a moment. “We’re friends,” she said.

Erwin went over to it and patted it, and then bit off a piece of the apple he was eating to feed to it. “You like that, Appleby?” he said, smiling.

Levi face-palmed.

“What’s wrong?” Moblit asked.

“This has happened before. Erwin named the goat. He can’t let an animal go once he’s named it. We now have a pet goat.”

“We’re friends,” Hanji said again, rubbing her head.

Moblit kissed her forehead and reached up to pull a twig out of her hair. “Do you know where we are, Hanji?”

She frowned. “Near the campground?”

“Actually,” Mike said, “we drove for half an hour to come pick you up after a traveller mentioned seeing someone of your description in a field trying to teach a goat to roll over like a dog.” He leaned in close and sniffed her. His eyes narrowed. “I knew it. Vodka.”

Moblit looked betrayed. “You had vodka? When?”

Hanji bit her lip. “You know how I kept going away and coming back with glasses of water last night?”

“Yeah,” Moblit said, “you did that like seven times.” Hanji stared at him. He stared back. It clicked. “No,” he said. “No. That’s a fuck-ton of vodka. No way.”

Hanji slapped her stomach. “Mama’s got a mean gut, Mobo.”

~

“Toilet break?” Hanji asked.

“People who make us drive for half an hour to find them lying in ditches with a goat don’t get toilet breaks,” Mike replied. “I’m revoking your rights to bathroom stops.”

“Mike Zacharias,” Hanji said, “you know me better than almost anyone in the world, so you had better believe me when I tell you that I will freely piss on your precious van’s seat if you don’t let me out to use a bathroom.”

Mike stopped at the next bathroom.

~

Erwin abandoned his position as navigator to sit in the very back of the van. He wanted to be able to reach back over his seat and pet the goat in the boot. 

In an act of defiance, Levi had taken the front seat. But he kept turning in his seat to look back at Erwin and Appleby. Erwin blew him a kiss and Levi pretended to catch it. Hanji mimed throwing up.

It was a long drive to their next destination. All the passengers, including Levi, fell asleep, leaving Mike to drive with nothing but the quiet music and Hanji’s snoring to break the silence. It was really boring.

Erwin woke first. They started a silent game. Mike glanced in the rear-view mirror, and Erwin held up five fingers to him. He had managed to stack five novels on Moblit’s head without him waking.

Mike giggled to himself.

But it was destined to end in disaster.

Erwin got to five books on Moblit’s head and four on Hanji’s before Moblit jolted awake and the books tumbled, causing a chain reaction: Moblit yelped and threw a hand out, hitting Hanji; Hanji jumped awake and her books fell too, causing her to snap forward and back again in shock, held in place by her seatbelt; the noise of it all disturbed Levi, who would have woken guns blazing if he had guns.

Instead, he yelled out “Fucking shit!” and lashed a leg out, putting his foot straight through the windscreen.

Mike slammed on the brakes and pulled the van over to the side the road. His chest heaved. After a moment he said, “Levi, you just put your foot through my fucking windscreen.”

Levi’s foot was _still_ through his fucking windscreen. Levi stared at it for a moment and then slowly extracted it, careful not to cut himself more than he already had. Erwin was trying to scramble over the seats behind them. “Is he okay?” he asked, crushing Hanji and Moblit.

“Is _he_ okay? My baby is _broken_ ,” Mike said.

Levi calmly pulled his sweater off and pressed it to his cut leg. Then he turned to Mike and said, “This is what happens when I’m woken before I’m ready.”

~

“Toilet br—”

Levi threw the book he was reading against the window. “ _It’s been forty-five fucking minutes, Erwin!_ ”

Hanji and Erwin both climbed out to go use the bathroom of a café. They took ages. When they finally emerged they were holding five iced coffees between them, slurping on their own.

“Hit them,” Levi muttered to Mike, leaning into the front of the van. “Erwin and I have had a good run. But just fucking hit them. Run them down. Free us from this restroom pissing hell.”

~

It was inevitable, really, after their track-record of breaking the Rules of Road-trip.

There were just four nights to go until the end of their trip. He kept telling himself he could wait that long. But Mike was so, so sick of plain food. His taste-buds were made for better things. He was ready to throw caution to the wind.

So he volunteered to go out and buy takeaway that night, and chowed down on a big bowl of phaal curry before bringing burgers back for everyone else.

~

“I just want to tell my mum I love her one last time,” Hanji sobbed out against Moblit’s chest.

Levi had his head sticking out through the bottom of the tent’s door flap, the door zipped up right to his neck. It was summer, but a storm was raging and it was blisteringly cold outside. He couldn’t feel his cheeks.

Erwin paced, his nose buried in his elbow. Every few steps he stopped and stared at Mike, his gaze demanding answers: how could you do this to us? 

Mike himself sat in the corner, his sleeping bag pulled up to his neck and the draw-cord pulled as tight as it would go, trying to keep it all locked in.

Thanks to the storm, there was no escape. It was a budget campground, nothing but long-drops and some flat patches of grass with a donation box. No kitchens to take refuge in, no games room to become their sanctuary. The rain fell so hard that the mad dash required to reach the van would leave their sleeping bags soaked. They were stuck in spicy, gaseous hell.

Moblit released Hanji and went over and nudged Levi’s ass with his foot. “Levi, your two minutes is up. It’s my turn.”

Levi sucked in a huge breath of fresh, untainted air and pulled his head back through, letting Moblit take his place. His expression returned to what it had been before his turn in the doorway: vacant, empty, his soul killed by the smell.

“I can’t believe this,” he said to Mike, his voice nasal because he was pinching his nose. “I can’t believe you have essentially hot-boxed the tent with . . . with _this._ ”

“You broke my windscreen,” Mike said.

“And your payback is to suffocate us all?”

Erwin’s eyes were watering. “I feel like Gollum,” he said, still pacing. “You know how he forgets how the trees sound, or what the wind feels like? What does fresh air taste like? I didn’t know what I had until it was gone.”

“I’ve studied Defence Studies for a year now, but nothing I’ve learned could defend us against this . . .” Levi turned to glare at Mike. “I say we kick him out.”

“I second that,” Hanji said, still crying.

But Erwin shook his head. “We can’t turn against each other . . . not at a time like this. We’re all we’ve got left in this terrible, poisoned world.”

“Erwin’s right,” Moblit said, his voice reaching them through the fabric of the tent door. “We can’t let a rift form between us. The only way through this is together.”

“You guys are all fucking dramatic,” Mike said, shedding his sleeping bag to stand and letting the smell escape. Hanji, the closest, dry-wretched. “I’m gonna go take a shit. She’ll be right after that. Laters.”

He had to bend down close to Moblit’s head to unzip the door enough, and then step over him to get out. Moblit paled beneath the cloud of stench that followed Mike. A gust of wind blew through the doorway, bringing some relief. But the air was numbing. Frozen hell, or stinking hell?

They left the door open, climbed into their sleeping bags, and huddled together at the centre of the tent.

“I hope he falls down the fucking long-drop,” Levi muttered.

~

Levi crawled into Erwin’s sleeping bag and burrowed down to the bottom of it. “Tell me when Erwin gets back from the showers so I can emerge a beautiful butterfly for him,” he said. He moved a little, making the caterpillar-sleeping bag rustle.

“You might want to stay in there,” Mike said, stretching his long legs out to use Hanji and Moblit’s legs as a footrest. He pulled some papers and a little bag of weed out of his pocket. “How opposed are you to us hot-boxing the tent?”

“I’m pretty sure some asshole already did that two nights ago and almost killed us all,” the caterpillar-sleeping bag said. “Oh, wait, that was you.”

Mike was already rolling his joint. “Stop me right now or I’m lighting her up,” he said.

“Whatever.”

The joint was passed from Mike to Hanji to Moblit and back to Mike before Levi peeked his head out of Erwin’s sleeping bag, nose wrinkling. “Mike, is that shit even weed? It smells more like the asshole of a dead skunk. Haven’t you made us suffer enough?”

 “Hey, who’s got the good sniffer here?” Mike said. “I know exactly what it smells like.” He took another drag, blowing the smoke out in a slow stream. “Ah. Smells like my hopes and dreams burning. A little bit sweet. Wanna try?”

“No,” Levi said pointedly, “I do not.”

“Your loss.” 

“You failed your objective or operation or whatever, by the way,” Levi said. “We’re driving home the day after tomorrow, and none of you managed to get Erwin high. I even caught Hanji trying to convince him her bong was a microscope you look through with your mouth. Seriously, Hanji? In what universe was that ever going to work?”

The tent door unzipped, and Erwin appeared in the doorway. “Guys.” He smiled first at Mike, Hanji and Moblit, and then at Levi. “Guys. Hey.”

“What’s up with you?” Levi asked, frowning.

Erwin took a few steps into the tent and then sank down at Levi’s side, putting his arm around his shoulders. “You wouldn’t believe how long it took me to get here. I had to walk for hours to get past the flooding. Levi.” Erwin pressed a wet kiss to Levi’s cheek. “I think I almost drowned.”

“What are you talking about?” Levi grimaced, using his sleeve to wipe Erwin’s slobber away. “You’ve only been gone ten minutes. And what flooding? It’s not even raining here.”

“Do you have any more of those brownies you made?” Erwin asked, ignoring Levi and turning his attention to Mike. “I had some earlier when you were tanking up the van. The ones that were in your bag. I fancy them. I’m feeling peckish. I don’t think I’ve eaten in weeks.” He looked down at himself, shocked. “My, my—just _look_ at me, Levi. I’m wasting away. Why would you let me starve?”

Mike started laughing and then fell onto his back, holding his stomach with one hand and his glowing joint with the other. “He _ate_ them,” he choked out. “Somebody call the police—I need to report a fucking crime. What was that you were saying, Levi? Erwin-Fucking-Smith is stoned.”

Hanji clapped her hands giddily. “Erwin’s baked? _Finally_ , the real fun can begin. Pass her here, Mike.”

Erwin started laughing too. Levi glowered at both of them. “You useless asshole,” he snapped at Mike. “Did you really bake your nasty-ass brownies out here? And you.” He turned to Erwin and held his head between his hands, forcing Erwin to look at him. “Why the fuck would you eat another man’s brownies?”

“Antarctica’s sentient, and it’s trying to kill me.” Erwin scrabbled blindly for something, until Levi shuffled out of his sleeping bag and put it in his hands and Erwin sat back with a pleased expression. “But now we’ve got our shield to fight back. Take cover with me, Levi.” He pulled Levi in close and wrapped the sleeping around the both of them. His hand snaked its way to the surface and went to Levi’s hair, petting it.

“Stop that,” Levi said.

“Are you warm enough? Are you tooooasty? Snuggle deeper, Levi. So we can be happy little marshmallows. Levi, you’re a mini-marshmallow that goes on hot chocolate. I like those.”

Erwin’s gaping mouth and lolling tongue loomed close and Levi ducked, swerved, found himself stuck in place by the tightly wrapped sleeping bag. Erwin’s tongue found what it wanted to taste—Levi’s hair. 

He almost screamed. Almost.

“Ugh, get off me. No more weed for you. Ever. You’re gross when you’re high.” Levi tried to shove Erwin farther away from him but once again the sleeping bag became a hindrance.

Erwin was frowning, leaning away from him. “Worst-tasting marshmallow ever. It was like apple.”

“It’s called shampoo, Erwin. You steal mine from me all the time now.”

Despite himself, Levi couldn’t stop a breath of laughter escaping. Erwin was now trying to rid his mouth of the apple-shampoo taste, and he very much resembled a golden-retriever furiously trying to get peanut butter out of its mouth. 

Hanji held the joint towards Levi and said, “Can I tempt you, O bitchy and bitter Levi, with the sweet kiss of Mary Jane?”

Erwin laughed and said, “He’s gay.”

“Oh, right. Can I tempt you with the sweet kiss of Mark John, Levi?”

Levi swatted her hand away. “Get that away from me. You’re going to end up setting the tent on fire. And knowing Mike, he probably found it on the body of a dead guy.”

Mike raised a finger, as if about to make an important point. “For your information, he wasn’t _quite_ dead, so there.”

~

Levi pulled the sleeping bag up to Erwin’s chin and patted it down smooth. “Still high?”

Erwin started laughing again. He had done that a lot already. “Are peaches trustworthy?” he countered, effectively answering Levi’s question.  

“I can’t believe you ate Mike’s brownies. You _know_ he loves his pot-brownies.”

“I was so hungry, Levi. I’d just circumnavigated the earth. I needed sustenance.”

“You didn’t— No, never mind. Sleep it off, big guy.”

The others had left to cook up a midnight snack of bacon in the camp kitchen. “Stay with me?” Erwin asked, catching Levi’s sleeve when he went to stand. “Please? Hanji might kill me in my sleep, otherwise. I know she wants to.”

“Hanji does not want to—”

“Please,” Erwin repeated.

Levi had to laugh again. “Erwin, I’m already spending the night with you. We’re all sleeping in the same tent. And I can’t fit inside your sleeping bag with you.”

“Spoon?”

Levi sighed. Erwin looked incredibly pitiful. He was trying to make puppy-eyes. It wasn’t exactly a catching look on him, but it still affected Levi enough for him to say, “Fine. Scooch. But I’m being the big spoon. I’m not having your weed-breath breathing on me all night long.”

He decided they would share an unzipped sleeping bag, and so began the arduous job of unzipping Erwin’s sleeping bag around him and flattening it out so he could spread his own unzipped sleeping bag over the top of both of them. Finally, he snuggled down and did his best to wrap his smaller frame around Erwin. He kissed the back of Erwin’s head.

“Levi?”

“Yeah?”

“If apple-flavoured marshmallows were really a thing, you would tell me, right? So I could avoid them?”

“Go to sleep, Erwin.” 

~

A celebratory last night. They chose an affordable restaurant and slid into a booth. When the waiter came, they all ordered their drinks.

Levi sat with his head leaning on Erwin’s shoulder. When his turn came and he asked for a scotch and soda, the waiter stopped their scribbling and said, “Sorry, I’m afraid minors can only drink in the company of their parents. Will your parents be joining you?”

Levi looked around the group. Hanji, Mike and Moblit were visibly torn between trying not to laugh and anticipating how Levi would react. Erwin’s expression was unreadable.

Levi leaned in close to the waiter. “How old do you think I am, exactly?”

The waiter raised an eyebrow. “If I had to hazard a guess? I’d say—fifteen, maybe?”

Levi slowly dug into his wallet, pulled out his I.D. card—revealing that he was in fact twenty-one—and slid it across the table. The waiter looked at it for a moment and then snapped their head up to look at Levi. “My apologies, sir, I’ll just, uh, get your, uh—scotch and soda, was it? My mistake.”

Levi felt his anger bubbling, but he wouldn’t react. He knew everyone was expecting it, but he didn’t want to lash out at some poor waiter. He put his I.D. back in his wallet and leaned back in his seat, expecting the waiter to finish scribbling the order and leave.

“ _Does this hot piece of ass look fifteen to you?_ ”

Everyone jumped. Levi looked to the speaker: Erwin, glowering. 

“ _Furthermore_ , do I look like the kind of man who wold _date_ a fifteen-year-old?” Erwin demanded.

“Oh, uh, sorry, sir—”

“Use your head and card us all if you’re going to call out one guy. Don’t submit my boyfriend to humiliation next time.”  

The waiter nodded and scurried away.

Everyone looked to Erwin, shocked.

Erwin looked back and shrugged. “What? I heard him being rude about that elderly couple seated over there when we came in. That guy was an asshole.”

Oh. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

Levi picked up the fullest glass of water on the table and tossed it so its contents hit Hanji, Moblit, and Mike in the face. “That’s for laughing, assholes.”

~

“I can’t believe we did it,” Mike said. They were twenty minutes from home.

“Do what?” Erwin asked.

“Our Super Imperative Road-Trip Objective,” Hanji answered. “We did it. Our shining moment of glory: the birth of Blazedwin.”

“That should be ‘The Birth and Death of Blazedwin’,” Erwin corrected. “Or how about, ‘The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Blazedwin’?”

Hanji shook her head. “Hell no. Now that I’ve got Blazedwin in my life, I’m not letting him out. It’s ‘The Birth of Blazedwin’, and that’s final.” She paused a moment. “Mike, can we make a toilet stop?”

“WE ARE FIFTEEN FUCKING MINUTES FROM HOME, HANJI.”

~

Erwin carried Levi’s luggage inside for him. Levi did the same for Erwin. Erwin returned a moment later towing the goat.

“You know,” Levi said, collapsing into his favourite armchair in their flat, “when I first met a blond know-it-all sitting in my library seat who later tried to break my foot in football, I never thought I’d end up owning a goat with him some day.”

Erwin wrapped his arms around Appleby’s neck. “Excuse me, but _you_ tried to break _my_ foot.” He smiled up at Levi. “And that’s why you love me, right? I’m full of surprises.”

Erwin was oblivious to the way he had just let the “L” word fly around haphazardly, but it caught Levi in the throat.

A road-trip could have been the end of them. That long in close proximity could have been a prybar in their relationship, wrenching them apart.

It had done the opposite.

Levi smiled back at his boyfriend. “Yes, Erwin.” He paused a moment, letting the “L” word settle comfortably in his head. “This is exactly why I love you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
